Christy’s Lifestyle Essentials

As I mentioned in my last blog post, this section will dive into my teenage years. These are the years that range from 13-19. It was a tumultuous time and I’m hoping to not jump around all over the place. Let’s begin this rollercoaster of unwelcome experiences and bad choices.

After I turned 13, puberty began to set in and I was really starting to blossom. My stepfather and his friends would all make me feel so uncomfortable by making inappropriate comments and gestures. I was also being harassed at school, so there was no safe place. I really started to become self conscious and feel bad about myself. I had severe self esteem issues because of it all. I started to wear the biggest and baggiest clothing that I could find in order to hide my body. I also started to walk stiffly so that no one would notice my body. I didn’t even feel safe in my own skin.

With everything that I’d already been through and with more to endure, I started experimenting with cutting myself. It was such a great release at the time. It gave me a reason to actually hurt and be in pain. I know now that it was a very stupid thing to do, but it felt powerful back then. I had control over something for once. I could control my food consumption as well. So I also developed eating disorders. I’d binge eat one day and starve myself the next few days. That’s how I’d learn to punish myself. If I failed, I didn’t eat. If I succeeded in something, I’d eat like crazy. I still struggle with this now.

When the cutting stopped working, I was nearing the age of 15. That’s when I picked up my nasty smoking habit. Both of my parents smoked so that made it easily accessible. I didn’t care about the long term affects. I figured that the earlier I died, the better off everyone would be. I wanted to make my parents mad – I was starting to turn rebellious. My plan backfired because when I was finally caught, my stepfather gave my cigarettes back to me and just told me to not hide it anymore. Wow. I couldn’t believe it. I actually did something bad and didn’t get in trouble. How confusing that was!

While I was still 15, I had an epiphany – a plan you could say. I’d go out and get an after school job and save my money. That way when I turned 18 I could just move out and be on my own. Well, that was a great plan, but it didn’t work out that way. Starting with my very first paycheck, my parents demanded that I hand it over to them. All of it. I was not allowed to argue back or disagree. I always had to do what I was told. There went that hope, crushed just like that.

So I dealt with much more physical and emotional abuse until I turned 18. I’m skipping a whole lot of details because I’d be stuck on this section for a very long time. When I turned 18, I had finally embraced my f*ck it all attitude that I’d learned along the way. I gave my parents the biggest middle finger and told them where they could go. I walked out with no place to go and nowhere to turn. I found some friends that let me crash on their couch or floor, whichever was available. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I was smart enough to not try drugs like meth, crack, heroin or LSD because I was truly scared of them. I did trip shrooms, snorted cocaine, smoked a ton of marijuana, and popped whatever pills I could find. Promiscuity was an addiction as well. Who cared though? I didn’t and my parents only cared that I was gone because they’d lost their slave.

I grew tired of that lifestyle quite quickly, though. I talked with my parents and they agreed to be different if I came back home. They’d treat me as an adult and would show nothing but love. Well, that’s what they promised, but it’s not what happened. About a week after I moved back and got myself another job, they started with the same crap again. I felt like I couldn’t leave this time. I was embarrassed to have fallen for their nonsense and didn’t want to admit it to anyone. I was a fool and that was a hard pill to swallow.

During my time living with friends and not working, my car had been repossessed. My stepfather surprised me by going to get it in his name. I’d still be responsible for the payments and I was fine with that. I should’ve known better because he dangled that car over my head so many times it makes me sick to think about. I was being controlled yet again. I got tired of it all and just couldn’t deal anymore so I walked out. I needed my stuff that was in my car so I dropped by and asked. I was told no, absolutely not. I made every single one of those payments and I couldn’t have my stuff?! I wasn’t having it. It was a Geo Tracker with a soft top and all I had to do was unzip it, reach in, and unlock it. I did that and got my stuff. My stepfather was calling the police on me as I was doing this. I got into the car of the person that brought me and we tried to leave, but my sister came out and put her foot in front of the tire so we couldn’t go anywhere. I was so angry with her for that. When the police came, I was arrested for felony breaking and entering a motor vehicle. IT WAS MY OWN CAR!!! Oh the audacity! That was the first time they had me arrested. It happened again the night before my 21st birthday, but that’ll come later in this story.

Anyway, we went to court and I had a damn good lawyer. He talked them into dropping the charges so it was dismissed. I had so much anger in me at that point, though. I held it in and moved back home with another plan in mind. I’d get a job working with my mom and I wouldn’t have to be home when she was. It was in the security industry and I had a cute little uniform to wear and all. Well, most of my job entailed weighing corn syrup trucks in and out of the facility. During that time, I met a guy that was 10 years older than me. We started dating and I fell head over heels for him. He promised me the universe, not just the moon. It was going so well until I got pregnant. He talked me into something that I regret to this day – having an abortion. He said we weren’t ready, he said my parents would try to take the baby, he promised we’d have all the babies I wanted when we were ready. I believed him. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I was so scared on that table and I didn’t want to have it done. When I finally got the courage to tell the doctor to stop, it was too late. My baby was gone. That broke things in me that I haven’t fixed to this day. After all was said and done, that monster ghosted me. I found out that he was actually a married man! Boy, did this experience ever hurt to my core! I had even more anger inside now.

I trusted no one at this point. I felt like a pawn in a game that I didn’t want to play anymore. So you can guess what happened next. I tried to self cancel. I don’t even remember what all I took, but it only knocked me out for a day. I was even more devastated when I woke up. I didn’t want to live without my baby. This is something that I’ve struggled with every single minute since losing my baby.

So much pain. That’s all I ever knew was pain. Back then, I had such an innocent heart that beat the most beautiful rhythm despite all that I’d been through. I’d cry if any kind of animal died, I’d cry during sad or romantic parts in movies, I’d cry over any little thing that touched my heart. It was a beautiful thing back then, but more things would happen that would make the beauty in my heart fade. It would become emotionless and feel very little, if anything at all. It turned icy cold, that heart of mine. This is what I’ll talk about with my next entry.