Hello, sunshine! Today I want to spend a few moments to talk about something that I obviously struggle with. There are probably several of you that have this same battle, so I hope it helps in some way.
So, limerence. Have you ever heard of it? If not, no worries. My therapist didn’t have a clue about this either. I had begun teaching her more than she was helping me, so that is why I stopped my talk therapy. I’ll still schedule appointments here and there to touch base with her, but I no longer talk to her regularly. Anyway, I’m digressing.
Limerence is defined in the dictionary like this: the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.
However, I like this definition better: Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. Boy can those intrusive thoughts get out of control! They’ll make you feel crazy for sure!
I’ve most definitely experienced limerence before, once for certain, another was in the making. This is why I was in the darkness for a couple of years. I’d lost the man that I thought I’d loved when I went through that separation in 2020. I still feel love for him, so maybe it actually was love. That’s where it all gets confusing. There are 3 stages of limerence and I’ll explain those now.
The three stages of limerence are infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. Since these three stages are present in limerence, it isn’t one state of being. Meeting new people is a struggle for this reason. We have to pay extra close attention to this. As you start to become attracted to a new person and they pique your interest, you may notice this familiar process.
Infatuation – The unobtainable nature of the person makes them more alluring. This stage of limerence includes addictive type behavior, thinking about the other 24 hours a day, stress, heart palpitations, stomach anxiety, and even intrusive thoughts. It’s best described as an uncontrollable overwhelming desire for someone. You feel like you’ve fallen head over heels in love with the flip of a switch.
Crystallization – While that infatuation is unlikely to wane fast, the second stage of limerence is all about solidifying that idea. You start to believe that the person in question is the solution to all of your problems. You decide that the person is flawless and you idealize them by putting them on a pedestal. You simply adore them and love everything about them. You feel like they are your soulmate, like you’ve known them forever.
Deterioration – Reality starts to sneak into your mind and you start to realize that you will never have the person you’re lusting after. The final stage of limerence is the disappointment in the love object and letting go of them. It’s the realization that nothing is going to happen. It’s a feeling of loss. It’s an utterly damning feeling that crushes every organ on the inside. The heart becomes broken into millions of little shards and you really feel dead inside once the pain has started its damage.
So this is why I struggle with the heart and mind balance. I’ve always considered myself to be a hopeless romantic, a dreamer, waiting on my knight in shining armor to show up so we can ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I’m learning slowly that I have to be my own knight and create my own happily ever after. Romance just wasn’t meant to be for me and I’m learning to accept that.
My advice to you, sunshine, is to not look at people too deeply. See what they offer on the surface, but don’t go deeper if you think you might want more. Usually those people that we have limerence for are the most unavailable, either physically or emotionally. So your precious heart will be broken. Don’t let it shatter like mine did before. Follow your heart, but protect it at all costs. It takes too long to rebuild. I still have massive cracks in mine and I recently chipped a few more into it.
As always, I love you all and truly thank you for reading, commenting, giving advice, telling me your stories, and motivating me to continue! I have so much more planned and can’t wait to get it all out to you! I hope you have a beautiful day!
-Christy ♥️
Christy’s Lifestyle Essentials 
Leave a comment